Renewing Vows Can Help Save A Marriage

In an era when celebrity weddings have an almost unrivaled potential to catch the public eye, another kind of nuptial ceremony — the renewal of vows — seems just as noteworthy.

Most recently, the celebrity power couple of Madonna and Guy Ritchie reportedly opted to tie the double knot at a private Kabbalah ceremony in Los Angeles, using the occasion to announce their pledge to try and rebuild their shaky seven-year marriage.

It’s a strategy that just might work. Relationship experts say that pledging to recommit to a spouse is, for many couples, an essential part in healing a broken marriage.

Dawn O. Braithwaite, professor of communication studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, has researched couples who opt to renew their vows. And she says that while there are a number of reasons why couples might renew their vows — from indulging in a fantasy wedding they could never afford, to satisfying a desire to have their families involved in their recommitment — some of those who seek a renewal do it to salvage a faltering marriage.

“They want to fix something,” Braithwaite said. “It’s what we call relationship repair; they want to repair infidelity, or having grown apart, or a relationship that was not very close.”

David Popenoe, professor of sociology at Rutgers University and co-director of the National Marriage Project, agrees. “It’s kind of a promising concept, though I suppose only a very small percentage of married couples are doing it,” he said. “But I think that it is something that I would personally encourage.”

But some experts say that while the idea of a ceremony to celebrate a matrimonial recommitment may be as commendable as it is romantic, both Madonna and Ritchie will likely need to change the way they act toward one another for it to do any good.

For some celebrity personalities, this may be easier said than done.

“Celebrities, in particular, are at risk for ‘special person syndrome,'” said Susan Heitler, a Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of “The Power of Two.”

“If somebody grows up with special talents — if they are taller, smarter or more athletic than others — they can see themselves as being in a special category and that makes the rules not apply to them,” she said. “They have never really learned how to be a teammate. They have always been in the limelight alone. But marriage is a two-person game.”

And renewing vows alone may not be enough to heal all of the damage that has been done within a relationship. Former Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards renewed his vows in a ceremony on July 30 of last year, just months before an infidelity scandal rocked his personal and political life.

When It’s Time to Recommit

The task of rebuilding a marriage, for celebrities and non-celebs alike, is not a simple proposal.

“Often when people first pick someone to marry, their heart knows what they are doing,” Heitler said. “At the same time, perhaps at least one of the partners does not have the skill set to maintain a successful marriage. Over time, the irritation grows and the affection fades.”

Heitler, who says she specializes in “last-ditch couples” who are often referred to her by a divorce lawyer, says that recommitting to a marriage involves learning new ways of interacting with one another — and a commitment to compromise.

“When I see many of them interact in my office, I often say that I 100 percent agree that they need to divorce themselves from that old marriage,” she said. “But that’s a separate issue from whether they want to remain life partners.”

“They can stay married, but they need new ways of addressing the complications and situations that come up between two people trying to live life as a duo.”

But if these couples can truly achieve a fresh start, Braithwaite says, a renewal ceremony can be an important component in mending the relationship. She says that in the course of her research, she remembers one couple in particular who used a vow renewal ceremony to celebrate their recommitment to each other.

“She felt as if they had drifted apart,” Braithwaite said. “But when they were in church, they heard something in a sermon that made them realize they wanted to be together after all.”

“She said, ‘You know, I don’t think we would have made it if it were not for that ceremony.'”

Aside from the symbolism of the ceremony, Braithwaite says, a renewal of vows is also a public recommitment, and those in attendance may be able to offer further support for the newly mended couple.

Can You Retie the Knot?

But is it really possible to mend a broken marriage? Heitler says it is — and she adds that a renewal of vows can be a fresh start for those who are still very much in love, but who cannot seem to get the hang of married life.

“It’s a chance to rebuild,” she said. “Usually, the flame is renewed just by being together again.”

Heitler says that in terms of the success rate she has seen for mended marriages, “80 percent end up with a wonderful marriage.” But she notes that in order to succeed, those who recommit to each other need to develop three crucial skill sets: the ability to make shared decisions, the ability to consistently talk in tactful ways and listen to their partner’s response and stay in control of their emotions so they can avoid letting their anger take control in their relationship.

“If you just remarry on the basis of rekindled affection, people who do not have these important skills who go for a second round are more patient with their partners,” she said. “That can get them through, but they are still better off if they learn these skills.”

Braithwaite agrees that in many cases, it takes more than love to make a mended marriage work.

“I would not advise anyone to do this out of desperation and say, ‘I’m going to save my marriage,'” she said. “This is like the icing on the cake.”

And if the vow renewal between Madonna and Ritchey works, Popenoe says, we may be able to expect a trend.

“All it may take is for a few celebrities to renew their vows, and if it works over a long term it may become pretty prominent within the public,” he said. “We all know how much influence they have over the public.”

Source: ABC News

Strahan Wins Appeal

Former New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan on Tuesday won his appeal from an $18,000-a-month child support obligation imposed in his 2006 divorce, which a New Jersey appellate court found both exorbitant and unfairly apportioned against him.

The court, in Strahan v. Strahan, A-3747-06, said that the trial judge failed to make the specific findings of fact necessary to sustain his decision to add $200,000 a year to the $35,984 annual award that the couple’s twins girls are due under statutory guidelines.

While acknowledging there are unique problems with determining the reasonable needs of children of high-earning families, the court said trial judges should nevertheless avoid overindulgence — citing the doctrine of In re Patterson, 920 P.2d 450 (Kan. App. 1996), that “no child, no matter how wealthy the parents, needs to be provided [with] more than three ponies.”

The court also found error in the trial judge’s saddling of Strahan with 91 percent of the child support obligation, especially since the judge did not impute any income to Strahan’s former wife, Jean, even though she is college-educated and capable of working but has voluntarily chosen not to do so.

When the couple began dating in 1994, Michael Strahan was in his second season with the Giants and Jean Strahan was a model and manager for a cosmetics company, earning about $70,000 a year. In 1995, they moved in together and she quit her job. They married July 18, 1999, after signing a prenuptial agreement. Their twin girls were born on Oct. 28, 2004.

Divorce proceedings began in early 2005 and a judgment of divorce was entered on July 20, 2006. The couple agreed on joint custody of the girls, with Jean having primary residential custody. An amended judgment, entered in early 2007, ordered equitable distribution and child support. Strahan’s motion for reconsideration was turned down. The parties reached an out-of-court settlement on equitable distribution but not on support, which was left for the appeal.

The New Jersey appeals court agreed with Strahan that Essex County Superior Court Judge James Convery erred in setting the supplemental child support amount and in ordering him to pay 91 percent of it.

Although the parties’ experts agreed the Strahans’ marital standard of living was approximately $1 million a year, Convery found the “reasonable current standard of living” of Jean Strahan and the two children was $630,000 a year, or $52,500 per month. He imputed no income to her except $28,470 per month in net investment income, leaving her with a monthly $24,030 shortfall. He decided on a yearly support award of $235,984 and charged 91 percent of it to Strahan, who in 2006 earned about $5.87 million.

But the appeals court said Convery failed to make a detailed examination of Jean Strahan’s child support request and instead merely accepted her recitation of the children’s needs. Those “needs,” wrote Appellate Division Judge Lorraine Parker, included the children giving their nanny a 10-day vacation in Jamaica; diamond jewelry for their grandmother; $30,000 yearly for landscaping expenses; $36,000 a year for “equipment and furnishings”; and $3,000 yearly for audio visual equipment. Jean set their clothing needs at $27,000 a year, since the children needed new outfits every time they saw their father and one of them demanded a new purse every time she left the house.

“[T]he court made no distinction between what needs were reasonable, given the age of the children, and what simply amounted to a ‘fourth pony,'” wrote Parker, who was joined by Judges Rudy Coleman and Thomas Lyons.

Parker said it appeared that Jean Strahan was actually the beneficiary of some of the child support payments. While a custodial parent may reap some “incidental benefits” of a wealthy noncustodial parent’s child support payments the custodial parent cannot become the primary beneficiary, especially when there is no alimony.

The panel also agreed that income should be imputed to Jean Strahan, who decided not to work even though she held two college degrees, a previous career and “employment opportunities [that] were, in all likelihood, enhanced by her celebrity marriage.”

“There is no question that as a healthy, educated, forty-one year-old, defendant is capable of earning her own income,” added Parker, directing that on remand, the trial court should consider all possible sources of Jean Strahan’s income — earned and unearned — as well as her assets in determining her share of support.

The judges also reversed the trial court’s order that Michael Strahan take out a $7.5 million disability insurance policy as security for child support, premised on the possibility that injury or sickness could leave him unable to play football. They found the situation no different than that of any other injured or ill divorced parent who is thus left with reduced income, entitling him to seek a modification of child support.

They further found the rationale for the insurance moot since Strahan gave up football in June to become a commentator. “Plaintiff’s retirement further illustrates the unreasonable requirement of the disability policy,” Parker said.

Finally, the judges reversed a $13,777 fee award for Jean Strahan’s lawyers in connection with Michael Strahan’s post-judgment motion for reconsideration, calling it an abuse of discretion. The parties, in their prenuptial agreement, had assumed responsibility for their own counsel fees and Strahan’s motion was not made in bad faith, Parker said.

The panel rejected Strahan’s request that on remand, the case be assigned to another judge, finding a bias against Strahan could not be inferred from Convery’s rulings against him.

Michael Strahan’s lawyer, Angelo Genova, of Livingston, N.J.’s Angelo, Burns & Vernoia: “Mr. Strahan is gratified by the result and feels his legal position has been vindicated. He hopes the matter can be resolved amicably, going forward in the interests of the children.”

Jean Strahan’s lawyer is likewise optimistic. “This is a period at the end of a long sentence,” says Ellen Marshall, of Greenbaum, Rowe, Smith & Davis in Roseland, N.J. “We’re glad Judge Convery is remaining with these issues, and we’re confident we can resolve of the remaining issues amicably.”

Source: New Jersey Law Journal

9 Questions To Ask The Divorce Lawyer (Before You Write The Check)

Selecting the lawyer that will represent you is one of the most important decisions that you will make in your divorce case. You should try to find a lawyer who is skilled, competent, and who regularly handles family law and divorce cases. Seek someone who is responsive and willing to communicate with you throughout the divorce process. Ask for recommendations from your friends and family members, but in the end, trust your own judgment.

Schedule a consultation appointment with the lawyer. This will give you an opportunity to evaluate how you are treated by the staff and will give you some time to interact with and interview the lawyer. After spending thirty minutes to one hour with the lawyer, you should have a good feel for whether he or she is the right lawyer for you. One factor that is often overlooked is whether a lawyer’s personality compliments yours. You divorce lawyer is someone with whom you will be sharing many intimate details of your life as well confidential financial information. He or she must be someone with whom you are comfortable and whom you trust.

During the initial consultation with the potential lawyer, you may consider asking him the following 9 questions:

1. Do you specialize in family law? If you needed back surgery, would you go to a general practitioner? Of course not. Likewise, there are many lawyers who are general practitioners that will handle a divorce case. In addition, they take business matters, bankruptcies, criminal cases, etc. That is not the type of lawyer you want handling your divorce case. Ask them what percentage of their practice is divorce and family law matters. If it is not at least 50%-75% (I’d prefer 90-100% if it were my case) of their practice, go elsewhere.

2. What would be the fee arrangement for you to handle my divorce case? Divorce lawyers normally set fees in one of two ways: they either charge a fixed fee for the entire case, or they charge a retainer against which they bill an hourly fee. Make sure you completely understand how you will be billed. A good lawyer will want to make sure that you completely understand and are comfortable with the fee arrangement. If you have any questions, ask.

3. What other costs can I expect? In addition to lawyer’s fees, there are other costs that are typically associated with your divorce case such as court costs, subpoenas, and sometimes such things as private investigator fees, depositions, etc. Ask the lawyer what types of costs are likely to be involved in your case and how much you can expect to pay for them.

4. Will you send me monthly itemized bills showing the time that you spent on my case and the expenses incurred? If you are being charged by the hour, the lawyer should systematically keep you updated with regard to your trust account balance. If you ever have a question about a charge on your bill, talk to the lawyer about it. Address it sooner rather than later. If you are being charged a fixed fee, this is obviously not an issue. You will know up fron what the entire fee is. The only statements you should expect to receive is for costs that have incurred on your case (such as for subpoena fees, filing fees, etc.)

5. Do you have any resources that you can make available to me to help me reduce the pain and expense of divorce? Obviously, going through a divorce can be a very traumatic experience. A lawyer that is willing to educate you about the process and the law affecting your case will help remove some of the concerns that you may have.

6. Who else will be working on my case? Other lawyers, paralegals, and/or staff members will often perform work on your case. You want to be sure that the others work on your case are also competent and experienced. Also, find out at what hourly rate you will be charged for their working on your case, if at all. The hourly rate for less experienced attorneys and/or paralegals should be lower than that of the primary attorney on the case.

7. What efforts will you make to try to settle my case? The majority of divorce cases settle. Some are settled before they ever get to the lawyer (that is to say that the parties have already reached an agreement and the divorce lawyer is only needed to draft the paperwork). Others settle on the day of the trial, in a room outside the courtroom, and still others settle at any stage in between. You want a lawyer who is willing to communicate with your spouse and/or your spouse’s lawyer (if he or she has one), to try to settle the case. Many lawyers will not make a deliberate effort to settle your case, but rather will prepare the matter for trial and only settle it if the other side takes the initiative or if it happens to settle on the day of court. This type of lawyer can cost you thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees. Additionally, you should ask what the lawyer thinks about mediation. Mediation is becoming more prevalent in divorce cases [Editor’s Note: It is required in most Georgia courts before a trial, or, in some cases, even before a temporary hearing]. If you think that it may be helpful in your case, you should ask the lawyer to explain the costs and benefits associated with mediation.

8. What I can do to keep my costs down? By taking an active roll in your case, there are certain fact gathering steps that will reduce your legal fees. If a lawyer is charging you by the hour, you may be better off gathering many of the financial documents and other information rather than relying on the lawyer’s office to do it.

9. Do you survey your clients to measure their satisfaction? You should not let a negative answer to this question preclude your allowing the lawyer to represent you. Because so few lawyers actually do survey their clients, there are many very good competent lawyers who don’t do this. However, all other factors being equal, a lawyer that surveys his clients to determine their satisfaction, is likely to render better service to his clients as he is more attuned to their feedback.

As you ask the above questions and make a decision about hiring a lawyer, keep in mind that you have a right to expect your lawyer to do the following:

Once you have found a good lawyer, remember that he works for you. Do not be intimidated by him. Do not hand over control of your case without question. The lawyer should be willing to explain the decisions that need to be made during the process of your divorce as well as his recommendations. However, in the end, you are the one who makes the decisions. Ultimately, if you are not satisfied with the lawyer, remember that you have the absolute right to terminate your relationship with him at any time, for any reason. Be careful in doing so, however, if you have a Court date looming. This can cause unnecessary delays or, worse, result in you having to proceed without proper representation.

Source for post: Georgia Family Law Blog

McGreevey Train Wreck Ends

The train wreck divorce trial of former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey and his wife, Diana Matos McGreevey, has ended, with the ex-governor largely prevailing. The court ruled that McGreevey would not be required to pay alimony to his ex. McGreevey has been ordered to pay child support in an amount considerably less than his former wife requested. These two folks are poster children for what to try and avoid in a divorce proceeding. The New York Times has the story on the conclusion to this cringeworthy affair:

A judge ruled on Friday that former Gov. James E. McGreevey of New Jersey, who resigned from office after admitting that he had an affair with a male aide, will not have to pay alimony to his former wife.

The ruling by State Superior Court Judge Karen Cassidy granting Mr. McGreevey and his wife, Dina Matos, a divorce ended a frayed eight-year marriage that came apart when the governor stunned the state by announcing on national television that he was “a gay American.”

“No alimony – that’s what I’m talking about,” Mr. McGreevey’s lawer, Stephen Haller, said moments after the decision was read in court, the Star-Ledger of Newark reported on its Web site.

In addition to ruling out the payment of $2,500-a-month in alimony for four months that Ms. Matos was seeking, Judge Cassidy ordered Mr. McGreevey to pay $1,075 a month in child support for their daughter rather than the $1,750 she wanted.

In the stunning decision, which came in the aftermath of a bitter and very public court battle, Ms. Matos was told that she would receive none of the proceeds from Mr. McGreevey’s book, “The Confession,” which described his version of events that led to his resignation in August 2004.

Not long after Mr. McGreevey’s book was published, Ms. Matos came out with her own book about the mariage entitled “Silent Partner.”

The couple will share share custody of their daughter, 6.

Mr. McGreevey, who is a seminary student in New York, maintained that he will only earn $48,000 this year and that he was too poor to pay alimony. He now lives with his partner, a wealthy Australian businessman, in a 19-room house in Plainfield, N.J., with gardens designed by Frederick Law Olmsted.

Even before the ruling was issued, Ms. Matos, who lives in Springfield, issued a statement to The Associated Press. “Although the victimization continues, I am stronger for the experience,” she said.

Mr. McGreevey and Ms. Matos were married in 2000, and he was elected governor the next year. He has another daughter from a previous marriage, which also ended in divorce.

Source: The New York Times